Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
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If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
catch me on valentine’s day like
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.