[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
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BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart