Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
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My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.