A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
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Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Is this a threat?
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Ain’t no way
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
i will avenge u mr van gogh
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.