“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
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[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
this has done me in for some reason
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.