Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
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I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I only look at Wordle for the articles