My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
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Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?