Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
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My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
We’ve come full circle