You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
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[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Wait a minute
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday