Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
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One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)