It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
You Might Also Like
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*