Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
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[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me