applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
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All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Warm pools make me nervous.
If a snake ate a cake
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.