“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
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dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I have never related to anyone more.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?