Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
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Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
How does one answer this?
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.