JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
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the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!