My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
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The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?