The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
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Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka