Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
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REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
just having fun
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time