His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
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Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I want to meet the individual who made this
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.