Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
You Might Also Like
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Realize this:
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.