I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
You Might Also Like
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Jesus Christ lmao
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.