Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
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My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.