This is my pinned tweet
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There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Raisins are grape jerky.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.