I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
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My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
the greatest twitter interaction
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.