Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
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It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Ain’t no way
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?