Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
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[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it