If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
You Might Also Like
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car