– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
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[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?