Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
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Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Planet of the Apps.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!