In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
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That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”