Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
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5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Selfie
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women