*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
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typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
getting old is fun
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
pizza
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”