In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
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Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids