“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
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The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
they should invent a hydrating liquor