I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
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A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?