I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
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Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish