Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
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Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
my fav colour is also hitler
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”