Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
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When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Choose your fighter
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Wait a minute
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground