stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
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Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
[montage of me giving-up]
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.