Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
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My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
We’re all getting idioter.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job