Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
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“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
You got this…
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.