All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
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The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.