Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
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Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
and this one
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably