Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
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My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
FINE, I WON’T.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans