Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
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That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?