If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
You Might Also Like
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?