Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
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*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?