I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
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My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.