“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
You Might Also Like
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
This is what makes twitter great
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
i actually laughed 😩
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126